by
Laura Poburan
( LauraPoburan.com )
This post will help you communicate better with clients for better results without tweaking plans, hand-holding for adherence, or battling weekly excuses and resistance.
One of the most frustrating experiences we can have as coaches is when we think we’ve dropped tons of value, provided everything a client could possibly need… and when check-in time rolls around, we find out they either didn’t listen, didn’t try, or didn’t let us know they were struggling until it was too late.
It turns out the real reason this cycle keeps recurring with many of the clients we work with has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that we aren’t teaching them enough, holding them accountable, or providing enough resources to support them on this journey with us.
In fact, it has everything to do with the way that you are communicating with clients about all of that important stuff.
Because here’s the thing…
We logically know that if a client can’t stick to the plan we give them, they aren’t going to get the results they want, right?
But where we consistently drop the ball is our ability to recognize all of the little mistakes we make trying to get them to follow that plan, and see clearly that it's the accumulation of these little cracks in our coaching process that’s actually stopping our clients from finding success.
In this article you’re going to discover:
what effective communication really is (and what it isn’t)
how our brains are wired to receive information
how to adjust your approach with each client you work with so you can stop battling excuses and resistance
and my top 8 ways to instantly level-up your communication game in your next coaching session
Communication Is More Than Just Words
Take a minute and think back to a client you’ve either worked with in the past or are currently working with who just “gets it”. They listen to everything you say, they take fast action, they hold themselves accountable to you...and best of all? The results they are getting because of all of this are head-and-shoulders above the majority of your other clients.
But why is that? When all else appears to be equal - your strategy, your accountability, your resources and your time - why does this one type of client soar above the others?
Well...we’ve been conditioned to believe that this type of client is simply “more motivated” than the others...they are more “committed” to the process and ready to do the work required to change.
And while client motivation and readiness can absolutely play a factor, the bigger limiter in client success is actually linked more directly to the way we communicate with each client uniquely.
The thing is, whether a client actually follows the plan we provide for them or not relies upon a few factors (some of which you’ve heard of before...some of which will be new) - namely:
Whether the plan we created matches the goals for the client
Whether the client has attached internal meaning to the goals they are chasing (aka: motivation and intrinsic commitment to the goal at hand)
Whether you have communicated (and continue to communicate) with the client in the way they are uniquely wired to receive your wisdom
Whether the client fully believes that your plan will get them where they want to go
Traditional coaching will typically focus on the 1st and 2nd points on that list alone. This makes us feel responsible to figure out a way to “hack” motivation in the unmotivated...and to take control over the intricacies of the programming (causing us to meddle, over-educate, over-posture and over-fix).
When in reality, all 4 must be in play for someone to get the kind of results your dream clients do. To put it plainly, your dream client from the example above…
✅ Has been given the same high-level programming as all your other clients
✅ Is intrinsically motivated and committed to the goal at hand
But they also…
✅ Connect with the way that you explain things in a deeper way than your other clients - they are more open to receiving your strategy, education and wisdom simply because they view the world in a similar way, have had similar experiences as you and likely relate to the way that you naturally approach your conversations.
✅ And because of this (👆) there is a natural born buy-in and trust that happens between you - they don’t doubt the advice you give, resist against it or sabotage the plan out of fear of failure.
In sum, they believe in you and the plan and this allows them to take faster action.
So then, how do we accomplish the 3rd and 4th step with every client, not only the ones who see the world through similar eyes as we do?
The answer is simple on the surface, yet expands into a vast web of interconnected factors (all of which we are about to unravel).
But simply put?
We must learn how to adjust our communication strategy to match the way each client views the world.
By doing so, you give them the same feelings as being fully seen, heard and understood by you as your dream client naturally experienced...AND you develop faster buy-in and surrender to the process you are guiding them through.
This is how you stop “lucking out” with dream clients, and give yourself the skillset to turn any client into a dream client.
To show you how to do this, first I need to explore with you further how the brain receives information and why this is important to know if you want to be able to lead a horse to water and actually make it drink.
Our Meaning Making Machine
Consider this for a moment...when something happens that makes us angry...how do we know we’re supposed to feel angry? Likewise, when something happens that makes us feel joyful...how do we know that thing is supposed to bring joy to us?
Over the course of our life, we experience key learning moments where we link an event/person/thing up to a specific meaning.
The meaning we link up is dependent upon the environment we were in when we experienced this for the first time, the emotional state we were in, the emotional state of the people around us, societal norms, the rules and beliefs of important people in our lives, etc.
An easier way to look at this is that we were being taught or conditioned to respond a certain way to a certain stimuli based on the influences around us at the time. Most of this meaning-making is done in early childhood, so by the time you’re a teenager you’ve already determined much of the things that trigger an angry response versus the things that trigger a joyful one.
The tricky thing about this process is that our brain likes to be as efficient as possible. It doesn’t want to have to keep re-learning the same response over and over again. So once we attach meaning to an event/person/object in our life, that becomes our default, subconscious response controlling how we feel about something or someone, and what we do as a result.
In fact, since our brain cannot visually see the outside world, it relies upon our 5 senses to tell it what is going on.
As a quick example, let’s say your dad would yell a lot as a child. Now whenever someone is shouting at or around you, you might associate that yelling with feeling unsafe or threatened. You might notice your body tenses in response to that stimuli. You might notice feeling anxious or have the desire to block it out through a learned numbing action - like eating, watching tv, etc.
Usually, it’s these conditioned responses that control a lot of the unwanted behaviors our clients are struggling with. The thing is, we don’t know how to recognize, let alone communicate, about these patterns.
This means, as a coach, one of the most powerful things you can do is learn how to recognize the patterns in your clients and pull them to the surface so that they can look at what is really causing them to struggle with reaching their goals.
The tricky thing is that in order to do this effectively, we must first understand that we are hard-wired to attach our own meaning to what is happening.
So as our clients start to open up about their key learning moments and explore with you the patterns they are falling into, it’s very natural, even automatic for us to immediately attach our own layer of meaning on top of what they are saying based on our own experiences over the course of our lives.
This is often why when a client says or does something that just doesn’t make sense to us, we often feel frustrated (or triggered) because their beliefs contradict our own.
If we want to truly understand (and begin to shift) what our client is experiencing and help them unearth the subconscious patterns keeping them stuck in a loop, we need to strip away our own layer of meaning that naturally settles on top of everything they are saying to us, and train ourselves to look for the meaning they are attaching to what is happening instead.
In doing so, you are going to have an unspoken advantage of making your client feel seen, heard and fully understood - more so than they likely ever have before.
And through this, you will gain the trust and buy-in required to keep going deeper with them into the truth of why they are where they are and what needs to shift in the way they view themselves or the world around them in order for change to be possible.
6 Avoid-At-All-Costs Communication Mistakes We All Make
So before we dive into some easy strategies to open up deeper, more meaningful conversations with your clients, let’s first take a look at the mistakes we all naturally make that prevent us from connecting in the way we really want.
Keep in mind as we go through these that if you’re thinking to yourself “yes, this is me!” to practice observing these realizations through curious eyes without judgement as best as you can.
These six opportunities for growth are simply that - opportunities to recognize a conditioned pattern in yourself and consciously work to shift towards a new, more empowering pattern that will truly elevate your role as a coach.
(1) Expert Mode
Also known as “teacher-mode” or “fix-it” mentality, as coaches we very naturally assume this position in conversation simply because we have a long-held belief that it is our responsibility to:
Showcase our knowledge and value
Fix the problems of our clients
Educate our clients on what they need to know in order to be successful
And while these all feel true, the root of this pattern is really a protective mechanism to uphold our perceived identity in the eyes of our clients. For example, it’s absolutely true that we genuinely want to educate and help our clients, yes. But why?
Because we were taught that:
If someone is paying you money you need to deliver value
If someone has hired you to change their life you need to fix their problems
We need to establish our value so people feel good about paying us
We need to show people that we are the expert so they trust us and do what we say
...and more subconsciously, we believe some variation of...
If we educate them, they are more likely to change
If we give them more information, they will feel like we are knowledgeable (even if it overwhelms them)
Not knowing how to solve someone’s problem is uncomfortable and should be avoided, so if we teach them everything we know, hopefully we won't have to face that situation
We feel good about ourselves when someone thinks we are smart
We feel good about ourselves when we can “fix” someone else
We perceive educating to be the same as “fixing”
So then, it can be said that when we shift into teacher-mode, more often than not this reaction is impulsive, subconscious, and done with the intention of making us feel good first and foremost.
Practice noticing your tendencies here with curiosity and try to explore your underlying fears of not knowing an answer to a question you get, or not knowing what to do with a problem your client unloads on you. Why does this feel uncomfortable?
(2) We Get Furious Not Curious
When faced with a situation where our clients don’t follow the plan, go against our advice, challenge what we say or struggle to understand us...how do you typically react internally and what thoughts do you usually have?
If you’re like most of the coaches I mentor, you’ll likely feel frustration, guilt that you can’t break through to them, anxiety about your client leaving you, or some combination of all three.
You also will likely start to justify to yourself that what you’re doing is everything you could be doing, that your client isn’t taking things seriously, and that you can’t help someone who isn’t ready to do the work required to change.
Sounding familiar?
Well, again, these reactions to the perceived resistance you’re facing with your client are just that - reactions that have been conditioned into you over the course of your life and are reinforced by beliefs that support and defend your identity. For example:
They are paying me for my help, so they should always listen to me
I can’t force someone to want to change
If I am doing everything by the book, their lack of success is not my fault, etc.
Keep in mind here that our ego has one objective in life - to keep us the same, to keep us safe, and to keep us in perceived control. It will seek out any opportunity to make you feel bigger than another because this is how the ego grows.
By simply recognizing this pattern, however, you’re able to step in front of the ego and respond, instead of react. Or in other words - this recognition gives you the opportunity to get curious about your clients experience instead of being furious that they don’t see things the same way you do. More on this later.
(3) Making Assumptions
Every mistake I have ever made with any client over the last 13 years was born from an assumption I made about what they thought, understood, felt, or wanted. And I’d be willing to bet that the same might hold true for you as well. The thing about the way our ego works, is that:
It always wants to be right and will always find evidence to support its position
It always wants to be growing bigger and will always find opportunity to do so
It will fill in missing gaps according to what feels true for you based on your experiences
This is, however, the perfect assumption making storm that causes us to assume things we think we know or want to believe about our clients in order to achieve all three.
Our ego is sneaky, pervasive and unrelenting - which means you have to practice recognizing gaps in your clients story and be consciously asking them to fill in those gaps from their perspective to avoid your ego from filling them in for you.
As a quick example, something as simple as clarifying what they understood their action steps for the week to be is an easy way to ensure that you are both on the same page, that they feel confident to take the prescribed action, and that they are not feeling lost, left behind, or unseen in the process.
This simple “check in” can be powerful enough to prevent the sabotage and stagnation in the client journey that most often stems from a simple lack of clarity.
(4) Stopping Ourselves Short
You know when you’re in a client session, the conversation is flowing, you’re really on your game and the client is even starting to open up to you more than usual? Maybe they get emotional, and share something big with you that starts to connect some of the dots around why they are where they are and why they struggle with what they struggle with?
But as soon as you don’t know what question to ask next (or you’re afraid of not knowing how to fix the bigger problems that are starting to come to light) you stop yourself from going any further?
What’s really going on here is very similar to some of the above patterns we’ve already explored. We feel confident, experienced and powerful when we know how exactly to fix something or someone...and we feel uncomfortable, insecure and uncertain when we don’t.
Our ego knows where our comfort zone is, and will do whatever it can to keep us within the boundaries of where we feel confident, experienced and powerful. This is where the ego grows stronger, after all. But this is not where the breakthroughs happen. And this is not where you grow as a coach.
In order to push the boundaries on what is possible for you to achieve with your clients (and for you to evolve as a coach and leader), you must intentionally step outside of your comfort zone over and over again, despite the fear of not knowing what to do, say or offer that will make our client feel better.
Ultimately, this requires releasing the compulsive need to fix every problem that our client unearths, and instead redefine our role as a space holder (which we will explore in the next point).
(5) Claustrophobia
When I say “claustrophobia”, what I’m referring to is the feeling you create for yourself trying to stay neat and tidy inside of the box your industry placed you in with all its rules, expectations, norms and structures.
Ultimately, doing this kind of work requires us to break out of that box, color outside the lines a bit and take off our coaching-armor. It requires us to stand in a vulnerable place with our clients, where our role is no longer defined by what we can and cannot do for them, but rather by the space we can hold open for them to explore, express, and reinvent themselves.
Our true role, as I see it, is that of a guide for people. Our job is to take their hand, wade into the depths of where their patterns emerged and shine a light on all of the really hard stuff in their life that has brought them to where they are.
It’s to help them make sense of the clutter in their mind, and connect the dots between their conditioned patterns and the life they have created. And then, it’s to help them dissolve the patterns that don’t serve them, and offer them new pathways forward without the safety net of their coping mechanisms to fall back on.
(6) Ego Flexing
And lastly, there are tiny nuances in the way we speak that are used to reinforce our ego. You should know by now that the way we communicate isn’t just in the information we provide - it's much more about our tonality, our pacing, and the aggression of the words we choose to use. Changing any one of these can completely transform what it is we are truly saying and how it’s being received.
For example, a common scenario many coaches face is the uncomfortable moment when a client wants to stop working with us because they aren’t seeing results, when we know they haven’t done what we have been telling them to do.
Our default reaction is to feel defensive and protective over our position - we want them to admit that it wasn’t our fault and to take ownership over their lack of effort.
This response usually causes us to say something to defend ourselves and make them see the real reason they haven’t progressed. Even if done politely, our tonality will reflect our frustration, our pacing will be increased, we will be speaking a bit more matter-of-factly and in a louder pitch than normal.
Alternatively, we could very simply push our ego to the side here and say in a calm, neutral, compassionate voice:
“What I’m hearing you say is {insert their concern}, do I have that right?
Would it be okay with you if we explored what led us to this place a bit? I just want to make sure that we are on the same page so that whatever you decide you have the clarity you need to make more aligned choices in the future.
From your perspective, what do you feel I could have done better to support you?
What do you feel you could have done better to support you?
Where do you feel resistance to what I was asking you to do?
Do you think that resistance caused you to pull back and not do some of the harder things? What are you afraid of losing by making these changes? Etc…
How do you think it might change things for us if we were able to better communicate about the resistance you’re feeling when I give you strategies that feel hard or uncomfortable?
Do you still believe that {insert initial goals} is what you want to work towards?
How might being more vocal in your thoughts and feelings serve you in the rest of your life as well
Is this something you’d like to continue working on together?
Simply by acknowledging your ego, pushing it aside, and making this conversation about better understanding their perspective you can easily stop the ego flex and replace it with the compassion and empathy required to salvage the relationship and move forward on good terms.
8 Game-Changing Communication Strategies
To instantly level-up the way you communicate, I wanted to leave you with some super-actionable tips you can start to put into practice in your very next coaching session.
Here’s my top 10 strategies I think you’ll love:
(1) Find Their Identity Strings
Identity is a huge topic in and of itself so we aren’t going to get into the nitty gritty today, but in order to understand the way someone views the world and themselves, you have to start practicing finding clues to tell you! Inside of your conversations, start paying attention to things like:
Beliefs they have about a situation or topic
The rules they follow that govern their decisions
Habitual emotional reactions
Scenarios that are particularly triggering and the meanings they are attaching to those moments.
Once you find your strings, begin to tug on them. Ask them questions about where they first learned that, why they believe that to be true, how the emotion feels in their body, how they know they are being triggered, their earliest memory of getting triggered just like that, etc. and hold the space for them to connect the dots.
(2) Seek To See, Hear and Understand
Always be asking yourself, “Am I making them feel fully seen, heard and understood?” And if I’m not sure, what are the possible assumptions I’m making about them that I need to gain clarity on?
(3) Let Go
To release your ego and allow yourself to stand in such a vulnerable, unbiased place, there are certain thoughts and beliefs you are going to need to let go of.
What parts of this article did you feel resistant or reactive to? What beliefs do you have about your role as a coach that are holding you back from trying some of these strategies? What do you need to let go of in order to provide a truly unbiased space for your clients?
(4) Find The Big Domino
Communication is all about clarity - and we cannot gain clarity if the conversation is all over the place. Practice preparing for your sessions through the lens of, “What is the big domino I want to push on a little bit today to see if we can’t knock it down?”
In doing so, you give each coaching session a direction, without overloading the client with education or getting lost in the intangibles. This big domino will guide what questions you ask, the connections you’re trying to help them make and the action steps you give them to continue to practice going deeper on their own.
Think of the big domino as an “aha moment” that if your client is able to come to, will change the trajectory of their journey completely.
(5) Pre-frame The Conversation
Working with a particularly closed-off client? Or keep running up against walls in-session? Pre-framing the conversation with your client can be particularly helpful here.
Simply letting them know what you’d like to discuss on their call this week and giving them a few reflective exercises to consider beforehand can give them the space they need to come to the call mentally and emotionally prepared to wade into the depths with you.
(6) Look For The Subtext Beneath The Text
There’s what your clients say, and then there’s what they don’t even know they are saying. Start to read between the lines and pull out the subtext beneath the answers your clients are giving you. There is much more power in what they are too afraid to say than what they feel comfortable sharing.
For example, let’s just say you ask your client, “What was it that happened on Saturday night that made it hard for you to say no to eating that second bowl of ice cream?” and they say “I don’t know.” The subtext might be:
I’m embarrassed to say
I feel like I should know this but I don’t have a good reason
I don’t want to be talking about this
This makes me uncomfortable, just tell me what to do to fix it
I don’t trust you enough to tell you
So instead of getting frustrated that you can’t create a breakthrough, simply by exploring hypothetical situations with them we might be able to pull the real reason to the surface.
For example:
You know, sometimes some of my other clients feel a little triggered when I ask them to think back to a moment they feel guilty about or have some shame attached to...do you feel like that could be happening here for you?
Or...You know, sometimes it's hard to look back on moments we aren’t proud of because it feels really uncomfortable, would it be okay with you if you shared with me what’s coming up for you when I ask you about Saturday night?
(7) Don’t Just Ask More Questions
There is a difference between asking more questions and asking better questions in a battery way at a better time. We don’t want to suffocate our clients with questions, but rather begin to slow ourselves down and ask ourselves “what question could I ask that would bring them closer to pushing over that big domino”.
I know this is a difficult skill to establish, so to make it easier for you feel free to download my playbook called The Coaching Conversation Revelation this will help you to easily navigate the right questions to ask for 15 of the most difficult (and pivotal) coaching moments.
(8) Become A Mirror
Instead of compulsively trying to fix every problem, practice becoming a mirror for your clients to look at their life more clearly through.
Reflect back to them what you’re hearing them say, ask them to explore the truth in those statements, where they learned these beliefs, and whether these thoughts serve them in the life they are trying to create. Explore with them what they need to let go of, why that feels hard or scary to do, and what might need to happen before that feels possible.
In doing so, you will find that your clients will lead the problem solving process simply because you offered a new perspective to look at their problem from.
For more articles and mini trainings on advanced strategies to deepen the work you do with the clients you’re called to serve, head over to www.laurapoburan.com or find Laura on all social channels under the handle @laurapoburan
For a little more on this topic, please tune into our Nudge Coach Happy Hour interview with Laura: How To Create Deep Connection With Coaching Clients
